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Nigerian elections: which voter type are you?

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The election also revealed three strains of campaigners outdoing each other in zealotry, each with their own arsenal of denials, accusations and fantasy. The Africa Report takes a satirical look at this unholy trinity.

1. The Bigot

Who cares about the consequences? You base your choice of candidate purely on the grounds of ethnicity. The man vying for the presidency in the new electoral cycle is your tribesman.

And the last time your tribesman was president his cruel policies had a mesh bottom that separated his kin – which you, fortunately, belonged to – from others, who bore the brunt of its cruelty. The fuel price, like the phallus of a priest with a fluctuating libido, decreased in the presence of his kin, and increased in the presence of his non-kin.

With prophetic zeal, pronounce ‘Nigeria no fit better, none of them will do good’.

Now, as fate would have it, a man with a scanty

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